Miscarriage and Baby Loss is such a taboo subject and this results in sometimes the wrong thing being said to someone who is going through it. It’s ridiculous that it’s taboo because it happens to 1 in 4 of us. The aim of writing this blog post is to create awareness. The more posts we have on this heartbreaking subject, the more support those going through Miscarriage can receive.
I want to start by saying that 9 times out of 10, people giving ‘support’ do not purposely intend to cause upset. It is the lack of understanding or knowledge when it comes to Miscarriage. Or it is because you just want to help. The most important point I will probably make is, NOTHING you can say will take the pain away from what is happening to us. So please do not even try. We need to grieve, we need to be sad and upset. Let them know it is okay to do all of these things.
With that being said, every Women/and their partner’s are different. They will grieve differently. So listen to them, how are they acting?! Maybe they just want to sweep it under the carpet? Not talk about it or pretend it didn’t even happen. This is all absolutely fine to do. If this is the case, just let them know they if they ever need to talk, you will be there for them and leave it there.
However, many Women and their partner’s will not want to forget about what has happened. Talking from experience, although my baby died at 8-9 weeks pregnant (although I didn’t find out until 11 weeks), they very much were real. Have they named their baby? If they have, use that name when talking about the baby. It shows you are acknowledging that their baby was real too. Same as I’ve said before, let them know that you are there for them. DO NOT offer advice, (eg ‘at least you can get pregnant, at least you can try again etc) listen to them, be a shoulder to cry on.
Do you know anyone else who has had a Miscarriage, reach out to them and ask if it would be okay if they contacted the person going through it now? I spoke to quite a few ladies on Instagram, who all said talking to someone who had been through it was one of the best things they had done. I 100% agree with this and I don’t think I could of coped without them. Sometimes it is very hard to understand truly something you haven’t been through.
Point them in the direction of support groups, do they have Instagram?! I was given a few amazing accounts from Tasha on Instagram. Saying Goodbye Charity Zoe Adelle & Fertility Answers One of my personal favourite charities and who we support here at One Strong Mumma is Tommys
Gifts? This may not be for everyone but I wanted something to acknowledge my baby. I didn’t have scan photos or anything to remember Baby B by. So I purchased myself a Star for our Christmas tree with Baby B on. My Mum and Step Dad also purchased me a beautiful Thomas Sabo charm for my bracelet with two tiny footprints on. I also received beautiful flowers, they meant a lot. It is like a hug without the actual hug, if that makes sense? Especially during these Covid times, if you can’t see them face to face. My sister bought me a little care package with my favourite chocolates & facemask etc. My other sister cooked for me and did a few jobs around the house. Or Forget me Not seeds, one of my dear friends who lives miles and miles away sent me those, so I could create my own remembrance area in the garden. Etsy is a very good place to search for keepsakes for Baby loss. We also have the Baby B collection with angel wings here We donate £5 from every sale to Tommys, so they can continue their research into Miscarriages.
I didn’t want to make this a negative post but I do just want to add a few things NOT to say because they do more harm than good. Some of these were given to me by very brave women on Instagram. ‘There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway’ ‘Everything happens for a reason’ ‘At least you know you can get pregnant’.
Please just be there for them, it is a very difficult time. You cannot fix it but just by being there for us and listening means a lot.
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog post. I hope you now have some useful information to support your loved one during this time. Sending you all lots of love, Naomi xx