This is not the blog post I had prepared, from 10th August up until 1st October 2020 I had been writing a blog post all about the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy. I spoke about how it had triggered my PTSD (from Reuben’s birth). However unfortunately this is a story with a very, very sad ending. Please do close this page if reading about miscarriage triggers you.
On Thursday 24th September, just before I went to bed, I noticed a small amount of very pale pink blood when I wiped. I text my midwife (who was actually on annual leave, so I didn’t hear back). I went to work on Friday 25th September, went about my usual business (text another midwife who had completed my booking in appointment but she was also on annual leave) and just before I went to bed, there was fresh blood on my pad. I phoned 111 and they sent me to A&E… Finally left there at about 1.30am on Saturday 26th September, had my bloods taken and everything ‘seemed’ fine.
I was bleeding every time I wiped all weekend, then on Monday 28th September, the booking in midwife got back to me and arranged an emergency scan. I honestly thought it was just a UTI (I was having a few symptoms). Many Mums bleed during the first Trimester and go on to continue a healthy pregnancy and have healthy baby at the end of it all (that is what I kept telling myself….)
On Thursday 1st October 2020, me & Dan went to the Gynecology emergency department for the emergency scan. 11 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I was told in the scan (Due to covid I was alone), that there was no heartbeat. I felt like my whole world had just collapsed in that moment. The very first and last time I had seen our second baby was after it was too late. Baby B heart had stopped beating at the 8 1/2 – 9 week mark and I’d had a Missed Miscarriage.
I think I spent the next few days in a state of shock, the bleeding had started to get worse. On Monday I finally decided to have the surgery to end the pregnancy. There were 3 options, let my body naturally miscarry, medically controlled with tablets or surgery. I knew seeing the actual Miscarriage would probably cause more trauma. Tbh I just didn’t want to make a decision, I just wanted to just magically stop bleeding and the baby to be fine. I had my bloods and covid test on what would of been my 12 week mark. I nearly fainted and caused an absolute scene ofc (I’m the worst with needles).
On Tuesday 6th October 2020 I had to say my final goodbye to Baby B. It’s like my body didn’t want to let go, I know I certainly didn’t want to. The actual surgery went really well and all the Doctors, Nurses and Surgeons were incredible.
Everyone I spoke to afterwards only said their bleeding lasted a few days. Mine lasted a few weeks, ending up in A&E with a heavier blood loss/clotting. The Gynecologist was really reassuring and said that many women can bleed for longer after the D&C. The bleeding actually stopped a couple of days after the A&E trip.
I asked on Instagram for advice on Periods returning after a Miscarriage, as Google just told me the standard 4-6 weeks but some can take months to return. The most common answer was at the 5 week after mark. Mine has just started as I write this paragraph on the evening before the 5 week mark. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I really struggled seeing it. It’s bittersweet because I am glad my body is returning to normal so I can start again but it’s so sad because I should be 17 weeks pregnant.
I’m not really sure the purpose to this blog post but I hope that it just makes one Mum feel less alone and I want it to bring awareness about this taboo subject. Know that it is okay to Grief the loss of your baby, NO MATTER WHAT gestation your pregnancy got to. Know that your feelings are completely valid.
Whats next? Well I do really want a sibling for Reuben, so I know I am going to have to ‘try again’. Tbh I am so set on wanting 3 earth side babies. I saw a really relatable quote about being so frightened of never being able to get pregnant/keep a baby growing inside of me ever again but being equally frightened of actually being pregnant again. I know it will definitely be a struggle going through it again, especially if it does end in another Miscarriage.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. If you would like to talk to me, my inbox on Instagram is always open. I’ll listen or give any support I can. Love Naomi xx